Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels — Photo by **Suzy Hazelwood** from **Pexels**

I feel that, for many, two of the scariest things can include are feeling vulnerable and choosing to take responsibility. One of the situations where they come together is issuing a true apology.

I Just Want You To Listen (To Me)

When I worked in the call center, I dreaded saying something incorrect. First, if that call was pulled for training purposes, I could get marked off for “providing incorrect information.” If reviewing mortgage information with clients that aren’t knowledgeable, it’s easy for them to get confused. Second, if I should get an astute client, they would lock in on the mistake and hold me to it. I would hear, “Oh no, you just told me X.”

As I wrote in “I’m Sorry. What Was The Question Again?”

“If I was cussed out by a client, their reaction could have literally nothing to do with me. I can’t stop anybody from bringing in their outside baggage and trying to connect it to me.”

I realized that some people call because they want to be heard. Maybe they had a bad day at work, suddenly had a minor question regarding a mortgage document and, then, that question took on inflated importance. By calling in and chewing anyone out, in their head, they could have control. At least during that call, they could “win.”

Something that we were taught was to acknowledge their feelings. A low-level response would be something like, “I’m sorry.” Why apologize for something that I didn’t do? Neither am I a sorry individual. Also, repeatedly apologizing for something that isn’t your responsibility, can have an angering effect because your apology doesn’t fix their original issue. A higher level response would be something like, “I can see how X made you feel Y (rephrasing the client’s exact words).” You show that you heard them.

As soon as I caught my mistake(s), which decreased with experience, I acknowledged my mistake and say what I would do to fix it. HERE IS THE KEY TO A GOOD APOLOGY. Much of time, the client would say respond “Ok” and move on. A few times, I may have been thanked for freely admitting my mistake. I’m going to say that this admission is a rare occurrence for some customers because I know that that I have received too many apologies from customer service.

I’m Sorry That You Feel That Way

This section’s title was one of the statements that we were EMPHATICALLY taught not to use. If you really think about it, it’s comes across as fake. You don’t really care about what the other person feels. If you were honest, you want that conversation to end and subconsciously would say anything to do so.

I grew up Catholic and one of the prayers that I learned was The Act of Contrition. In it, there is a specific phrase,

“I firmly resolve… to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life.”

When I researched the definition of penance, I saw that it came from the Latin paenitentia (having to do with regret). Essentially, you feel “bad” for what you did. In my opinion, this is a good feeling because it can motivate you make amends (compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind) to set things right.

Have you ever listened to some of the apologies issued in the media? I’m talking about ones from companies, celebrities, etc. caught doing something. If you closely read between the lines, many of their statements (can’t really call them apologies) are about themselves and neither admit fault nor clearly state their intended amends. It’s their “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

Based on what I’ve seen, I feel that there are a minimum of three points covered in a sincere apology:

Admit fault: What did you do? Who may you have hurt or insulted?
Explanation: Why did you say or do it? Were you raised by or spent considerable time around people that led you to believe that what you did was okay? Put your audience in your shoes.
Make amends: What definite thing(s) will you do? If you said or did something offensive, you learned from the experience and won’t do it again because of X reason(s). Show your audience that you improved from the situation.

Using these three points for direction, I think that you’ll do better at admitting fault and making things right. Also, when statements are issued, you can use these points as a filter to easily see when offending party(ies) are more interested in putting out the fire than in demonstrating their growth. Action and intent speaks louder than words.

I DON’T WANT TO HEAR WORDS. I WANT TO “SEE” THEM IN ACTION.

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